How The Shining Was Made Into A Motion Picture
by January Love Affair
Summary: This is the truth. The honest-to-goodness,non-affiliated truth of how an ÜBER man convinced a writer to Change.Nearly.Everything.   Enjoy. Preferably with cookies.


OH HAI THERE GUIS, THIS IS MAH EPICZ FAHNFICTION.

I WORKED SUPAH HARDH ON ITH, SO DON'T HATE ON TEH BEAUTY UP IN TIS BITCH. REMEMBER, TIS WUZ SUPAH DIFFICULT T' WHRITE, SO YOU'RE GONNA LURVE TIS SHIT.

Once upon a time, Stanley Kubrick wanted to make a semi-butchered cinematic version of "The Shining" by Stephen King. It is not sure what prompted this strange decision, but it might have been brought about by one too many jello shots tempered with a reading of "Pride and Prejudice".

Of course, this is only an approximate guess.

Back to the story, we're brought to Mister Epic Writer himself, Stephen King. Sitting in his home in Maine _(the supernatural station of the world)_, he was thrilled at the idea of _(another)_ one of his novels becoming a motion picture.

Contacting Stanley Kubrick, Stephen King shared his ideas and hopes for the prospective movie.

However, Kubrick decided that he was going to troll the hell out of the story, thereby crushing all Stephen King's HOPES and DREAMS.

So, Kubrick, like the ÜBER man he is, was all, "LAWL, STEVIE BABY, LET'S GET JACK NICHOLSON TO PLAY JACK TORRANCE. YOU KNOW, CAUSE HE'S JUST SO BAT-SHIT INSANE TO BEGIN WITH."  
>And Stephen (in all kidding retaliation), was all like, "LMFAO, STAN. YOU'RE SO FUNNY."<p>

Stanley was still the ÜBER man, however, and, as anyone who knows anything knows, ÜBER men are never fazed. By anything.

Ever.

Seriously, if you pointed to a burning building and told an ÜBER man that the cure for cancer was being devoured by flames, he'd shrug his shoulders while _smoking the essence of dragon tears and simultaneously dating Chuck Norris' housekeeper_.  
>Grinning at the unsuspecting author, Stanley fished around in his pockets. "NO MAN, I'M SERIOUS."<p>

Stephen King looked at the bearded director in shock and awe, effortlessly combining the two emotions with INTENSE HORROR.

"BUT-DOESN'T THAT DEFEAT ANY OF MY PRIOR CHARACTERIZATION? I MEAN, JACK GOES CRAZY, BUT HE'S NOT PSYCHO TO BEGIN WITH."

Finally grasping the object he'd searched for, Stanley Kubrick pulled out his ALMIGHTY camera from behind his back in a perfect reenactment of THAT SCENE from "The Ten Commandments. 

Waggling his free hand in front of Stephens face, he ignored the authors last comment.

"OH AND I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU ALL OF IT." Smiling, Stanley took a deep breath. He had _a lot_ to say, after all. Clearing his throat, a rampant stream of words flowed out from his mouth.

"SO, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT SO HALLORANN DIES (BY JACK'S HAND, OF COURSE). THE ELEVATOR THAT YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT NOW _SPEWS BLOOD_. YES, STEVE. REAL, RED, BLOOD. HMM...WHAT _ELSE_. OH, YEAH. I WILL MAKE IT SO I TOTALLY TRAUMATIZE SHELLEY DUVALL (WHO'S PLAYING WENDY. YEAH, _I KNOW_ SHE ISN'T BLONDE ANYMORE.) JACK NICHOLSON (WHO WILL PLAY JACK) AND SHELLEY DUVALL WILL BE PREVENTED FROM HAVING _ANY_ CHEMISTRY _WHATSOEVER_. I'M HIRING A KID NAMED DANNY LLOYD (YEAH, I KNOW, _WHAT A COINCIDENCE_) TO PLAY DANNY. AND...LET ME THINK...NO CREEP-SPASTIC PLAYGROUND. NO RECOGNITION THAT JACK AND WENDY ARE _MARRIED_ (LAWL, I MEAN NO SEX.)_ RANDOM HOMAGES TO THE BOOK THAT MAKE NO SENSE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT. _JACK DOESN'T DIE IN FIRE, HE DIES IN ICE. AND-AND-"

Breathing out, Stanley panted, eyes alight with some fanatical light. Stephen King looked at this man, this ÜBER man, shaking his head in disbelief. This film would MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE BEAUTY OF TYPEWRITERS AND CROQUET MALLETS FOREVER.

In a small voice, as Stephen didn't think he could CONTAIN THE FURY if he raised his tone, he muttered out a quick, "IS THAT ALL?"

Tapping his foot on the hardwood floor, Stanley wore a quizzical expression. "YES. YES. I THINK THAT'S ALL."

"GOOD. YOU ALREADY CHANGED NEARLY EVERYTH-"

"-OH YEAH! I FORGOT! JACK NOW WIELDS _AN AXE_, NOT A CROQUET MALLET. YOU KNOW, CAUSE AXES ARE _BADASS_ AND CROQUET MALLETS JUST REMIND ME OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND."

There was a pause.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING?"

LOL GUIS, LYKE DID YOU LURVE TIS SHIT? THIS IS A REALISTIC EFFING STORY BOUT HOW TEH SHINING WUZ MADE. OH AND TO ALL TEH HATERZ UP IN THIS BEEYOTCH, I GOTTA TELL U SUMTHANG. U NO WUT IT IS?

I'LL JUST TELL U, THEN, DEE-D-DEE.

HATERZ MAKE MEH FAHMOUSE!1111!1

OH, AND P- EFFING-S, I LURVE TEH SHINING WIF ALL MAH HEART AN' SOUL. I KNOW TIS SHIT INSIDE AND OUT, SO DON'T BE GETTING ALL PUNK-ACTION ON ME, GIRL.

MY WHRITING IS TEH AWESUM CUZ I NO IT IS. SO JUST SIT BK AND ENJOY THE RIDE CUZ TIS BEE-TCH IS HERE T STAY.

(OH AND BTW TO ALL MAH GOOD REVIEWERS: I LURVE U GUIS SO MUCH!111!1! U MAKE IT SO I HAVE AN OVER INFLATED EGO, AND THAT IS LYKE SO SUPAH FLY IN A CAMELS EYE!1! CHECK OUT MAH PAGE ON TWITTER, FACEBOOK AND TUMBLR, K THXBAI.)

**A/N: Well hello there. I hope you enjoyed this. Oh-wait-no-I don't really think anyone will enjoy this (you have to be seriously mental.) Oh, and to all my dear readers, this ****was**** meant to be satire. Humor. Funny- Mc-Fun-Fun. So don't take it so seriously.**

**I also enjoy both the film and the book interpretation of "The Shining".**

**4 REALZ GUIS.**


End file.
